Teens Aren't Kids On Sunday

We don't include our kids in the adult services (see earlier post), but we don't treat our teens as kids on Sunday.

Yes, I do realize that teens are still kids by a legal definition. But God established age thirteen as the age of adulthood when he designed the first Israeli government (see Exodus). The One who designed humans believed teenagers were capable of making real decisions. So we don't treat them entirely like kids on Sunday. I'm not saying we let our kids drive and vote when they turn thirteen. We don't even let them out of the authority of their parents. But if God thought they're capable of adult interaction in society, then we believe they're capable of joining the adults learning and ministry time.

1 Timothy 4:12

Let no one look down on your youthfulness, but rather in speech, conduct, love, faith and purity, show yourself an example of those who believe.

We have pretty typical children church lessons up until age twelve (songs, crafts, a bible story, discussion on how that applies to their lives, and snack time, of course). But at age thirteen we ask kids to join the adults. We ask them to bring something to minister during our open ministry. We expect them to offer their thoughts during bible studies. And we expect to learn and grow from them like any other member. They really can inspire us the rest of us to think and change.

So...does that mean youth group? Actually, I totally support many typical youth group activities for the teens. I was a youth pastor for several years and I understand well that teens benefit from a social space just for them, where they can build friendships and seek God together. So retreats and recreation and teen bible studies…all are good ideas for teens.

But when Sunday comes--when the church gathers together--they are not pushed to the side. God used young people throughout the Bible. Why couldn't do it in your church? How much ministry are you leaving undone because you undervalue your teens? How does it impact teens to separate them from the adults on Sunday?

Kids & Parents Together?

Some churches have become passionate about including kids in the entire service. But there are problems with this (we tried it in the first member-driven church we started). You basically have two options. 1: train your kids to be quiet (much easier for some personality types than others) while running an adult-oriented service; or 2: alter at least of portion of the service so kids can learn something.

Bottom line: kids don't learn the same way adults do. There's so much research and evidence supporting this that no one questions this. It's not just that adults are more disciplined, they literally have different brain structures. Teaching kids and adults like they're the same is at best naiveté and at worst indifference to the spiritual growth of children.

I even know some families that have had to stop attending their church because their kids were too rambunctious to sit in the service. They didn't have bad kids and they weren't bad parents. They simply had kids with very extroverted personalities (who think by talking) who probably also have a kinesthetic learning style (learning best by doing, not hearing or seeing). Oh, and by the way, I was totally that kid. I still can't sit quiet and still for more than a few minutes!

But, proponents say, kids benefit greatly from seeing their parents exercise their faith. (I'll refrain from going off about how typical church services leave little room for regular members to exercise their faith.) Doing church separately, they argue, doesn't build the family and can even promote an isolating spiritual mentality.

And they're right.

So we include our kids in the meal--the whole family together. We sometimes include kids when we have a worship music set (more on how we do music in other posts). But when it's time for the bible study or open ministry, we give the kids a separate space and a customized lesson to help them learn more about God and practice interacting with Him.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. And we certainly don't include our kids only to make them sit still. We don't want to teach them that good Christianity is being quiet and motionless. We show them a church engaging each other and God--a church in motion.

Oh, and the Bible doesn't say anything about how kids are supposed to be organized (together/separate). This is a practical strategy matter--not a spiritual rule. There's great danger in making a "spiritual rule" out of something the Bible is silent on.

Member-Driven Approach to Kids Ministry

Some have asked what crazy ministry we do with kids in a member-driven church? How have we broken free of the centuries old assumptions about children's ministry that keep typical churches stuck?

Actually, for kids 12 and under, our children's ministry is basically identical--even using the same curriculum--as typical churches.  Seriously.

We're not trying to change things just to be different. Different doesn't equal better. So, despite how passionate I am about the need to change some aspects of church, I'm only going to change an element if a clearly better approach comes along.

And let's face it, children's ministry in most churches is awesome. I don't know exactly how or when it changed (there aren't a lot of church history books dedicated to children's ministry), but the kids portion of church somehow got a free pass from medieval restrictions.

They don't teach lecture style, but are creative in how they engage the kids with interactive teaching. They have lots of dialogue, where the kids get to share what they think and apply the lesson to their life. They get to play together and build friendships. They even get to eat together every week. To this day, every time I eat a flower-shaped shortbread cookie--you know, the one with the hole in the middle you can put your finger through--I feel like I'm back in Sunday School. Especially if I can get some apple juice or fruit punch with it.

In fact, if adult services were more like kids service, we wouldn't need to talk about member-driven churches--we'd already be doing it.

I don't know why kids have enjoyed a freedom adults denied themselves. All I know is there's no biblical or strategic reason to change the typical model for kids under the age of 12. If anything, our church is working hard to keep up with typical children's ministry.

Yes, our kids do eat the meal we all eat at the beginning of our gatherings, so they are a part of the first hour with the whole church together. But once we go into either bible study or open ministry, we have a typical children's church program.

Now, our teenagers are handled differently…but that's another post.