Leaders go first.
It's the fundamental definition of leadership--the person leading the way,
walking in front, blazing the trail. So if
you want your people to be authentic and real with each other, you have
to go first.
Sure, you can overdo
it. Sharing too much, too fast can actually be awkward, not helpful. (See my earlier post on the
general process of relationships building if you're curious about what moving
too fast looks like.) But people in a group generally match what's already been
shared. They share at the existing levels of depth and openness in the
room--and the leader is the most noticed person in the room. If you want others
to talk about their feelings or struggles--you have to share your feelings and
struggles first.
BIG WARNING: If your
idea of sharing struggles is limited to stories of past struggles you've
conquered, this isn't going to work. You have to give up believing your people
need a leader who has it all together. Yes, we need you to not live in defiant
rebellion or have your life controlled by an addiction. But we also need you to
show us what it's like to pursue God in the midst of uncertainty, pain, and
failure. If you aren't comfortable sharing that--worse yet, if you don't see
your own Christian walk as including any of that--then you will establish a
barrier almost no one will go beyond--limiting real relationships in any group
you lead.
You need to be
comfortable with yourself as a person who loves God, serves God, and still
struggles. You need to be able to like yourself--accept yourself--when you're
not measuring up. (God does, by the
way.) Only then, gently and patiently, can you invite others to come to the
same place. Only then can you help your church become comfortable with
themselves and each other as people who struggle as well.
Your vulnerability
makes it safe for them to be vulnerable, too. Your lack of knowledge gives them
permission to admit ignorance, too.
This isn't about
lowering the standards, but helping ourselves and others be more honest about
when and how we miss those standards. We're not making it okay to fail in the
sense that we stop striving or change the standards. That kind of acceptance
and "safety" is the easy way out and harms us all.
I'm challenging us
to take the harder path--to accept and share God's love while we face head on
real failure. That's life-changing, authentic community. And the leader goes
first.
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