3 Ways To Improve Your Spiritual Solitude

I've posted a few times about how the typical church structure does a poor job of developing authentic community. You can attend for years, participate in official activities, and not have true friends at church. For real relationships, you have to do something beyond the scheduled experiences.

Today, I'm going to flip the coin and say that the typical structure is also weak for helping believers learn how to make the most of solitude. 

There are a host of verses in the Bible calling us to the private relationship with God. Jesus pulled away from the crowds--even from his disciples--to be alone with God more than once (John 6.22-24) and there are many verses calling us to be private and intimate and still before the Lord (Psalm 46.10, etc).

The sad truth is that solitude and private intimacy with the Lord don't automatically happen when you're not connecting with other people. Real intimacy in the private moments--real spiritual solitude--requires effort.

Western culture certainly isn't teaching us how to do this. Quite the opposite. We live is a world of constant distractions. On every stretch of road, someone is putting up their sign or their billboard. On every bench and bus, there are more bold colors and flashy distractions. And then we all have TVs and now phones that have constant noise and lights and entertaining distractions.

Don't get me wrong: I love my new smart phone and I do watch TV from time to time. Technology isn't bad.

But because it's constantly on, being alone no longer means having to pay attention to your heart and mind, let alone connecting with the heart and mind of God.

And our church services aren't much different than our culture. Typical churches fill every second with activity and sound and entertainment. Music is always playing, or someone is speaking. There are even advertising posters up in the lobby and spiritually inspirational images in the main sanctuary.

When is the last time you were in a church and there was true silence for more than a couple of seconds?

What would you do with that silence?

Most of us have no idea what do with it. Maybe pray? But let's be honest. In true silence, most of us would have a hard time staying focused on prayer for more than a minute or two.

We can't assume the people in our churches are doing this well on their own. And preaching a sermon on solitude and spiritual intimacy in the private moments won't cut it. People generally understand the need for it. What they need is help practicing.

Here are three elements of spiritual solitude you can practice with your church members (and on your own):

Meditation

This is NOT the same as eastern religious meditation. They advocate you empty your mind, etc. Biblical meditation is about filling your mind with the laws, ways, deeds, and precepts of God. It's about mulling over the things of God again and again. You could call it worry in reverse--a similar rethinking over and over, but on truth and goodness and God. There are tons of verses about meditation (i.e. Joshua 1.8, Psalm 119.15, etc).

This requires that you have information about God to load into your mind--and then that you engage God and mull over His ways together. Meditation is not the same as study. (More on doing this well in a later post.)

Self-Discovery

Many verses talk about how God reveals the heart, how God searches our souls and brings things to light (i.e. Psalm 139 and 1 Corinthians 4.4-5). Again, this should be done with God, guided by the Holy Spirit. Done separated from God it can lead to shame--or self-justification. Done with God, I usually go through a process of experiencing his love to discovering the 1-2 areas He wants me to work on back to being loved, without losing the sense of what I need to change. (I'll talk more on this process in another post.)

Waiting on God and Refreshing Your Soul

Many other verses talk about the need to wait on God and restore our soul (Psalm 23, VERSE etc). You don't empty your mind in this posture, but you don't have to push hard to a particular point, either. This is the one where you might put on some worship music or go into nature and soak in God's creation. Again, the goal is to engage God, not get your refreshing from nature or music alone.

Like a marriage, we need to be alone and intimate with God. We need to go on regular "dates" with God (get one on one time). And, like a marriage, being alone with God shouldn't be a passive ritual. Doing it well takes real effort and regular practice. If you want to keep your spark of love going strong for God, you need to regular "dates" together.

But how do you do this at church? Think about marriage retreats. Good ones have sessions where they teach, but also built in time for couples to get alone and practice what they're learning. You could do the same in church, if you really wanted to.

Do You Suffer From Confrontation Atrophy?

Christians are bad at confrontation. It used to be a regular part of the church experience. (Read the apostles Paul, Peter, James, the whole book of Acts...these guys spent a lot of time challenging people.)

No, sermons don't count as confrontation. While they can challenge how people think, that's teaching. I'm talking about a person talking to another person, saying, "Scott, what you are doing is wrong."

Jesus taught us how to do it well in Matthew 18:15-17:

If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

In summary:

1. Privately offer correction, if they won't listen…

2. Bring one or two others along (probably they should be mature & mutually trusted, like church elders), if they won't listen…

3. Bring it up to the church, and if they still won't listen…

Treat them like a pagan.

First, notice that this process provides for as many opportunities for you, the "corrector", to discover that you're wrong as there is for the" correctee" to listen and change.

Second, notice that you don't ask around and get the whole church in agreement before you work up the nerve to challenge. You don't call the prayer line. You don't even shop around for a lot of advice before you work up the nerve to ask.

Caveat: If you're not sure whether someone is actually in the wrong or not, then I completely support talking to an elder or counselor you trust to keep something private. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about when you believe someone is in the wrong, but get a group of people supporting your position before  approaching the other person.

Third, the worst case scenario is that you treat them like pagans. Ok. How did Jesus treat pagans? What does the bible say about how should treat those outside the church? With some distance and caution, sure, but also offering them grace and the hope of redemption. In essence, if it gets that far, you change the standard you hold them to, realizing that at this point they're rejecting God's standard entirely. You don't become enemies.

In 1 Corinthians 5:6-13, Paul makes it clear that we are to hold those in the church with a high standard and be very diligent to not allow them to dilute the name of Christ. But for those outside the church--those who have not declared that they are submitting to God's standards--we are not to take the position of judge and jury (that's God's role, he says).

This process isn't that hard. It's easy to remember and is very low-drama. In fact, I'd bet that you've been taught this more than once already. I'm teaching it to my little children (who are currently ages 7, 5, 3, and 1) and they can do this process. So why don't we do this at church? Why is it that Christians seem to do the opposite of this?

My guess: We don't have real relationships in our church. And we don't see or hear of our leaders do anything other than preach to a crowd. We never practice this. There's no place built into church life to practice this. And no amount of sermons on this topic can make up for a total vacuum of practice in the context of healthy relationships.

The point of church isn't to confront. But if we are building and experiencing real relationships (which is one of the central purposes of the church), then confrontation is inevitable. In fact, it can even be one of the most fruitful and helpful aspects of healthy community. It can be one of the features that shows the difference in a community of disciples of Jesus. But that's probably not how you feel about confrontation and conflict, is it? I mean, I could be wrong. Does that describe your church experience?

What should be normal for the family of God feels strange and hard and exhausting. It's like the whole relationship muscle, including the confrontation aspect, has atrophied from centuries of neglect. The stage-dominated culture of typical churches has been like a cast put on a broken limb, keeping us safe from messy relationships. But it's also kept us from using those muscles to build healthy relationships. And when we're asked engage in conflict, even thinking about it can tire us. And if we actually have to confront that muscle complains and complains.

It's so much easier to just sit quietly and listen to songs and sermons. Relationships are hard work!

Turn-&-Greet-Your-Neighbor Time Could Be Backfiring

[from Awake From Atrophy]

“If we truly believe that it’s essential for us to build real relationships with each other to be a healthy church," Jacob continued, "then I think it’s essential that we build time for that in our services. As I already said, it’s naïve to expect this to happen without our members making a concerted effort. In ancient times, when the practice of eating was dropped from church life, their members came to church from the same community. They lived together, worked together, and already had relationships. But that’s not how life works anymore in the Western world. Most people in America, for example, attend church with people who would otherwise be total strangers to them.”

“I can see that,” Randall said.

“Unfortunately, the typical church design leaves relationship building to the ‘leftover time.’ If you want to build real relationships, you have to come before the services or stay after to connect with people.”

“Well, we make at least some effort,” Drew protested weakly. “Every church I’ve been in has at least the ‘greet your neighbor’ portion, as you called it.”

“Yes, they do,” Jacob returned. “But does that facilitate real relationships? Are people more authentic with each other as a result of that time?”

“Well, no, not really,” Drew admitted.

“You know,” Jessica piped up, “if you think about it, that element might actually have the opposite effect.”

“How so?” Jacob asked.

“Well, I think a lot of people put on a ‘happy face’ during that time,” she explained. “We all end up pretending things are great. We don’t have time for a real conversation and we don’t want to share something vulnerable and awkward about ourselves only to sit down right after.”

“I hadn’t thought about it that way,” Jacob said. “It makes sense, though.”

“It seems like those attempts at relationship building actually make people less authentic,” Randall mused out loud.

[check out the rest of the book at http://www.amazon.com/Awake-From-Atrophy-Reformation-Member-Driven/dp/0983756228/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1346842280&sr=8-1&keywords=awake+from+atrophy or email me for a FREE e-book version of the book at scott@memberdrivenchurch.com]

How Long To Go From Acquaintances To Authentic Community?

Authentic community is the foundation for all the other purposes of the church. The more you know each other--really know each other--the easier and more effective all the other ministries of the church, from teaching to giving to evangelism.

Several aspects of the member-driven church model are designed to build this authentic community. I've posted about some of them previously. But I've not talked about how long it usually takes to build.

It usually takes about six months of sustained effort to really get a strong foundation of real relationships.

That's based on some assumptions:

1. You're meeting weekly. The more often you meet, the faster this goes--the less often, the slower.

2. You don't have any preexisting hostilities or competitions when you begin. If you do, this can take much, much longer. Normal human insecurities are challenging enough.

3. You are doing something to build community every single week. I'm talking about six months of constant community building, not a big event every four to six weeks. Regularity is more important than infrequent events--even if they're grand events.

4. You don't radically change the members of the group, especially having lots of new members join. This isn't an abstract timeline. It takes that long for specific people to build trusting relationships with other, specific people. Change those people and you have start from scratch with the new people.

(Side note: once it's established, it's much easier to graft someone into a strong community. But while you're building it for the first time, new people dramatically slow it down. I'm not saying you should avoid new people, but you do need to know they impact this process.)

5. My experience is only with Americans. It may move faster--or slower--in other cultures. Can anyone with international community building experience share how it works in the other cultures you know?

Remember, this is only a generic prediction. Don't make too big a deal out of it being exactly six months with your group. I just wanted to give you something of a realistic expectation, based on my experience in several different settings for many, many years. It's not a hard, precise rule.

In fact, my final statement trumps everything I've just said: Relationship building is never efficient or predictable.

(More posts on the implications will come later.)

The 6 Phases To Building Authentic Relationship (& 5 Implications For Your Life)

In general, here's the process, in sequence from 1-6, that people go through in building authentic community:

Share…

1. Knowledge  about each other

2. Experiences (do stuff together)

3. Opinions

4. Feelings

5. Failures/Struggles

6. Successes/Big Wins

FIVE IMPLICATIONS

1. In most cultures (at least the Western cultures I know), the most risky thing to do, drawing the most judgment and displeasure, is to truly share your victories--excitedly and unvarnished with self-deprecating comments. Saying you've messed up is usually more socially acceptable than saying you were awesome. Certain competitive environments, like cutthroat corporations, may have these levels reversed, though. If you think for a moment, you'll know whether failures or successes is more risky in your setting.

2. The process is a progression of adding a new layer without dropping what you've been doing. For example, you keep learning more facts about each other (level 1) while you're doing things together (level 2) that include conversations about opinions (level 3). If you want to open up and share feelings, you don't stop doing everything else--you add that element to what you're already doing.

3. Generally speaking, people need mutual validation at each level before being willing to move to the next (higher) level. Skipping a level is much riskier. Yes, there are individuals who will make a leap with you, but it's extremely rare to find an entire group who is willing to leap like that. One step at a time.

4. It may take a lot of time for the group to be comfortable with one level. This isn't a six week process--one level a week. In fact, in another post, I explained that it usually takes six months with a new group.

5. It's  not a steady, evenly-spaced out process. While it may take an average of six months, it's not usually one month spent working on each level. In my experience, it's generally slow at the start, fast in the middle, and slow for the last two levels.

What used to be the centerpiece of the early church service? (Part 9: Values & Practices Unpacked)

Did you know there's a half chapter in the Bible on how to handle the meal portion of your weekly church service? 1 Corinthians 11.17-34 covers principles like: choose pot-luck approach over everyone providing only for themselves and if you're too hungry to wait then have a snack because it's important for the whole church to share the meal. Paul also challenges us to take seriously the communion portion of the meal. That's usually the only section referenced in a typical church.

There are multiple mentions of eating meals as a regular practice of the early church. Acts 2:42; 2:46; 20:7;  etc. In fact, scholars believe the early church centered their gatherings around a shared meal. They called it the Agape (godly love) Feast. Meals as a spiritual practice is all over the Bible, from the Passover to the Lord's Supper to Heaven described as a wedding feast.

So our first defining practice is Eating Meals Together. For example, one of our members brought the dish below not long ago. And it's not cupcakes. That's actually meatless meatloaf with mashed potatoes and cherry tomatoes. It was delicious! (I'm still trying to figure out the "meatless meatloaf"--is that just called loaf?)

Don't get me wrong. Eating meals during Sunday gatherings is not a biblical requirement. But we do think it's a great way to live out the mandate to pursue Authentic Community. It also reflects our value of Growth Through Practice. (See other posts for more on our core values.)

If being a real community, the family of God, is so important to having a healthy church (and I don't know a church leader who doesn't say so), then what are you doing to stimulate that during your services?

The "shake-your-neighbor's-hand" time in the service? Seriously? Does anyone actually believe that's going to build authentic relationships? If anything, it encourages us to be more fake! It's harder to reveal that I'm hurting knowing I'm about to sit right back down. So I've just smiled and said, "I'm fine" in response to the standard "How are you?" greeting.

What it looks like practically:

Our meals typically last an hour. As a result of having a weekly meal, we don't meet on Sunday morning, but start at lunch time and go into the afternoon. It's harder to get up earlier to cook and breakfast food doesn't have as much variety and lunch/dinner food. The food is placed on long folding tables. A handful of members sanitize their hands and stand on the back side of the tables, dishing out food. And each week I email a food theme for variety without boredom. Some of our favorites have been: casseroles, kid's favorites, red & green (where each dish should have red and/or green in it)…it's fun. And delicious!

The question isn't really why we choose to eat together, but why don't all church still eat meals? It's so effective for building community. It's not hard or expensive to do. So what happened? Seriously, what do you think happened?

Blog Post: (Part 3) Member-Driven Values & Practices Unpacked

Authentic Community is how we sum up many, many, many verses calling the church to pursue honest relationships, godly love, and practical support.

A couple of examples:

John 13:34-35 (Jesus speaking)

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.

Galatians 5:13-15

For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” But if you bite and devour one another, take care that you are not consumed by one another.

Pursuing Authentic Community is a biblical mandate. And…

Authentic Community is the foundation for all the other purposes of the church. Being in relationship with each other, being a true community, multiplies the effectiveness of every other church activity.  For example:

Teaching to people you know helps you select content.

Serving your friends makes it easier to discover needs and meet them appropriately.

Worshiping with family allows freedom of expression.

We carefully defined this crucial phrase.

Authentic Community is a place where we…

Know and are known,

Love and are loved,

Serve and are served,

Challenge and are challenged,

Celebrate and mourn together.

"Authentic Community functions for the church body like the nervous system in our physical body. It provides awareness of pain, enabling us to better care for wounds, and awareness of pleasure, motivating us and allowing us to celebrate together. Physically, the nervous system also provides feedback that is critical for coordinated muscle movement. It’s much harder to move a limb when you can’t feel it, like when you wake up with an arm that’s fallen asleep and numb. It’s a foundational system that enables the other systems to work the way they are supposed to." --Awake From Atrophy

Real relationships of love in our church are too important to leave to the leftover time. Developing this requires serious time and energy every week.

Unfortunately, during a typical church service in America,  maybe a couple of minutes is dedicated for people to shake hands and exchange simple greetings. They hope the members will come early or stay late to connect further.

Even the design of a typical church sanctuary discourages authentic building. With both pews and chairs-in-rows, it's physically uncomfortable and socially awkward to turn and face anywhere besides the stage.

I know. It sounds more spiritual to call it an altar, not stage. But it functions like a stage--a raised platform to make it easier to see the people performing--than an altar. Nothing on that platform is being consigned to the flames as a sacrifice to God--unless you count pastoral burnout. :)

I'll share practical ideas on how we do that in other posts. For now, know that this is a huge value for us with tangible expressions.

Food At Church

Recently, I discovered that I love bobotie, an African casserole, at our member-driven church (see the pic for an example of bobotie). That day, I also discovered that one of my fellow church members had her computer stolen by her adult son.

See, we eat meals as a part of our church gatherings every Sunday. We do this because one of our core values is developing Authentic Community and another is Growth Through Practice. If being the Family of God is important (the Bible's most common metaphor for the church) then we want to do more than talk about building relationships. We want to practice that during our church gatherings.

We believe that Authentic Community is a multiplier of all the other functions of a church. The more you know each other--really know each other as friends--the more effectively you can teach, encourage, serve, and give to one another. When  you don't really know the others in your church, you're forced to guess--or choose the lowest common denominator in hopes that most of the room will get something out of it.

Eating a "share-a-dish" or "potluck" meal at church every Sunday is a crucial practice for establishing Authentic Community in our church family. There are other ways to catalyze community, and we do those from time to time, but we schedule meals every week for three reasons:

1. Examples of this are all over the Bible, including a half chapter of rules on handling the meal portion of your church service (1 Corinthians 11.17-34).

2. Eating together is one of the most effective AND easy ways to foster relationships. God wired us to bond over food and every human culture in history reflects this.

3. It's fun! We name a food theme for each week and people prepare dishes accordingly (if they want to--no requirements). That's how, on African food day, I discovered that the unique mix of beef, scrambled eggs, fruit, curry, etc that is bobotie was a new favorite of mine. (I've made it twice so far.)

And, during the conversation over food, I was told about the adult son who had run off and took their property (again). That authentic conversation led to another family sharing their troubles with a sister, and another family with their in-laws. and in the end we chose our current teaching series on setting godly boundaries.

More and more churches I know are adding this element to their church, even if on a monthly basis. It's so easy to implement and makes a big difference right away.

Here are some creative meal theme ideas to make it interesting:

• African
• Finger Food
• Red & Green: bring dishes that include one or the other color--or both colors
• C-Food: bring something that starts with "C" (great choice if you want to make sure chocolate shows up)
• Kid's Favorites: bring what your kids love most--or what you loved most as a kid

If you don't choose to eat meals at church, that's fine. Let's not confuse the method with the purpose. (I still recommend trying bobotie.) But if not food at church, what is your strategy for stimulating relationships in your church family? I'd love to learn what you are doing.

Whatever you do, don't just cross your fingers and hope something happens. Building relationships is far too important to leave it to the "leftover" time.